Each morning as I exercise I have this debate with God on the topic
of suicide. Today my argument was that If I push myself to the point
that my heart stops, technically its not suicide therefore he has to
still let me into Heaven. But he always wins using the same rebuttal
that it is indeed suicide when your desired motivation is to die.
What brings upon depression in a person who was once full of joy? I
believe its that Polar change that changes the nature between what use
to make them happy and now makes you completely miserable. Like for
me The thing that use to feed myconfidence the most, now deprives me of it.
I attend meetings 7 days a week sometimes more then one a day,
never participating, never sharing my story, never letting anyone know
anything about me. Its what they don’t know about me that keeps me
The biggest thing they don’t know about me as they pass out the birthday
chips is that today is my third Birthday.
Right before I fall asleep I sit there in complete darkness, staring
toward the only figure who knows my story.
There I think about all the things my disease has taken from me, all
the people it has allowed me to hurt. How much it has changed me
and I think about my life now how different it is. My only redemption
comes in the remembrance of a story about a man who had a conversation
with God. The man asks Him, God I’m willing to do anything it takes to
please you in hopes that you may redeem my life back to the place of
complete peace. All I need is for you to do is tell me what is it
that he must do? So God tells him to write down the ten most
important things in the man’s life he feels he can’t live without and
in a years time He will take away all but one of those things. So the
man thinks for a bit.
After making his list and giving it to God, he asked Him, God what’s
the one thing you won’t take away and God tells him Hope, cuz as long
as you hold on to that you can in time gain everything you lost back.
This got me to thinking about something you said to me outside of
a meeting. You asked me How long have I been coming to AA? How come
I never participate or share what happened to me? You said I keep
everything all bottled up inside of me and how am I suppose to allow
myself to heal when I walk around with an open wound. I told you I
So why do you feel you’re ready to share now?
Because I’m tired of being so miserable. I’m finally ready to share the
story of what happened to me in hopes that it helps me to finally begin
to release and regain what regular people call a second chance but us fighters call our second round. I’m ready for my second round.
Hi I’m Tess and I’m an alcoholic. I turned to alcohol to help me cope
after my boyfriends abusive attack left my face slightly disfigured.
You see the thing about any drug including alcohol is that it allows
you to hide, so even though my body was recovering, I couldn’t see that
my mind wasn’t. In fact its effects on my inside were becoming more
gruesome then my outward appearance. I became depressed,
shutting out any and everything that was my life especially my
relationships. This included my mother who before, I’d talk toeveryday
and also my one year old.
After being arrested for DUI and child endangerment since my
daughter was in the car at the time. I lost custody of my daughter
to my mother. As part of my probation I was also forced to attend AA Meetings.
At one of the meetings I met a guy who would begin to transform my life.
who introduced me to the 12 steps. But instead of just coaching me, he
showed me his method of how he got through them as well as how he
fought to maintain his sobriety.
His fists. He taught me how to fight not only mentally but physically.
You see he was a boxer and alcohol took away the thing that was most
important to any boxer, his body.
But he used the exercises he learned from boxing to bring him
back to recovery. He also told me that I was a fighter and that I
could do the same thing. Since it was another’s fists that was the
root of my situation I should use my own fists to be the root to my
recovery. And so that’s what I did, and let me tell you for sobriety
sakes it worked, My body now becoming my most important thing, I
had managed to keep myself sober. But from a mental standpoint it
didn’t have the same effects. See I was like that Young Caterpillar I
thought my physical recovery to alcohol is what would finally allow
me to be able to fly but it wasn’t until I was able to let go of all
the images in my mind that were keeping me weighed down that I was
truly able to recover. That recovery also lead to personal recovery of the
things that mattered most in my life. My self confidence, and more importantly
Today is not only my fourth birthday but also my daughters and
it means so much to me to be able to accept this chip while she’s there to witness.
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